hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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