I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
