I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
