1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
