I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
