I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
