one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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