I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
