then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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