That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
