I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wear drunk well.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
