I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
