I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I will pee on everything he values.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
