If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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