Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
