I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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