Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
