She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
