Im at strip club and am horny
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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