she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
