Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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