She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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