that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
