you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
