My underwear smells like fireworks.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
