I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
