Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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