I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
