Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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