He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
