just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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