No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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