You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
