hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
