i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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