He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
