Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
