Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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