I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
