you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
