I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
