Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
