I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
