somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Everclear isn't food dammit
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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