Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
