there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
