you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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