I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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