If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
