I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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